My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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