Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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