you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize