Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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