if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
So here I am, sexting at work.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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