Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
