sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
