I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
