why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
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