I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Randomize
