You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
