Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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