somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
