I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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