I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
