So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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