u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
