not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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