It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
