my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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