Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
