the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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