do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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