Swine flu. Run for my life!
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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