Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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