Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
