Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
