the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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