I think my fart just growled at me.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
