remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
