i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
