I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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