Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
