her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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