Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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