I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
