Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
