So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
