Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
