whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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