the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
