im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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