I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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