i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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