im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Randomize
