he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
