Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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