loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
