What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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