I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Randomize