I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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