i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
