Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
