It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
