we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Dick very happy bro
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I'm bleeding and have questions
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
