Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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