I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
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